I’ve come to believe that happiness is not so much the absence of unhappiness, but the absence of stress.
I also can’t understand why deciding to not be stressed isn’t enough to kick the habit. I have over time tailored my life so that it should be possible for me to work towards my goals without putting myself under undue pressure. I thought that doing things I love would eliminate the stress even if I was very busy. But now I wonder if stress is more innate to my brain, and it’s something that will take more invasive intervention.
I actually feel sometimes that I made a choice at some point between stress-free and doing something I love. The job I work now is largely stress-free; more than most other things I could be doing. But I’ve chosen to work part-time and gradually ease out of this career. Why? It’s just too boring. It’s not meaningful to me. I have nothing invested in it.
So if you are invested in your career, does it have to be stressful? I don’t think so, but I’m still trying to figure out how. If stress is a personality trait or a habit, then I just need to train myself out of it. I’ve been gradually working on living in the now, and perhaps that is my ticket towards greater well-being.
Apparently, becoming a librarian is a lot of hard work. I’m learning this the hard way, becoming qualified for the job via a year-long Masters degree. I am well aware that I witter on a lot about how much college work I have to do before the beginning of May, but seriously guys. Seriously. It’s serious.
So serious that insomnia, my old friend, has returned for a visit. I’m not even aware of my levels of stress until I try to relax in the evening and realise that I have a knot of anxiety resting just above my stomach. If I think about it hard enough, I feel as though I could cry. I might even feel better if I did, but all I can manage is a sort of manic glint in my eye.
Anyway, my dad doesn’t like me bringing his dSLR back to my apartment, and I wouldn’t have anything to photograph or time to photograph it in around here anyway. But I might stick up an old photo or two soon. I do have my point & shoot here though, which produces the occasional nice photo, so I guess really I’m just too tired and busy.
I really like the immediacy of photography for tiding me over creatively during these manic times, though. Writing something sometimes doesn’t take me long, but only if I’m in the right mood for it. Painting, drawing, writing and recording a song – all pursuits beyond my reach right now. But I love that I can go outside with my cat, my dad’s camera, and preferably some sunshine, and within half an hour or so might have a few photographs out of 100 that I actually really like.
I think if I ever do get “serious” creatively it’ll be with writing rather than visual mediums, but you never know. I’m excited for the summer when I might have more time get out and wander around with a camera, and see where it all goes. I’m hoping that it will lead me back to drawing and painting. I’d love to find my medium with visual art – maybe this year I will.