The panic has left me over the past few days, and I am feeling incredibly peaceful right now. I’ve just got home to the flat after spending two days at my boyfriend’s flat, and admittedly a glass of wine and other (cough) activities might have something to do with it, but I haven’t felt this happy to be coming home to this flat in a long time. I had started to find it very clausterphobic and dark, and although I signed the lease for another year, I had decided very firmly that I wouldn’t stay longer than that year.
It is a relatively dark flat – although it faces north-east rather than full north, a return at the back of the house blocks any possible direct sunlight, and the large window can only compensate so much. And I spent too much time in here over the summer, working away at my Masters thesis and feeling a bit pessimistic about the whole situation. Summer afternoons are particularly bad in here – admittedly, we had hardly any sun this summer, but the contrast between the dim light in the flat and the few bright glorious days we did have was pretty depressing.
But right now, I’m feeling much more positive about it. The size of the place doesn’t bother me, really, I just crave a bit of sunlight now and then. So I think I’m going to say to the landlords to let me know if any of the rooms on the front of the house become available – as the contrast in light between this room and them is incredible. I feel I would be happy living in one of them for a few more years.
Now, in the early evening on an autumn day, I don’t mind so much coming in from the light, as it’s getting too cold to sit outside anyway. I turn my armchair around to face the window, and it’s almost as good as being outside. From here, I write and read and do a lot of thinking. And on days like today, I feel completely happy.
Sirens & Muses 
It’s interesting how moods change. I can see a summary like this:
With her back to the window
she had thought she
signed a lease on
claustrophobic and dark,
signed for study, had
two mirrors and book shelves
for the Masters degree that
would not save glorious Summer days
But, two days at his flat,
wine and aha, a reserve
of happiness changed the view
With these
she faced the autumn window
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I have nominated you for the Super Sweet Blogging Award
Thank you, I don’t tend to get involved with those awards, though.
I like your blog Aine. It’s very much like a diary….like I have a piece of this women I don’t know handed to me throughout the week. Thank you
Thanks, I’m glad you like it! It’s funny, I originally set out for it to be much more dispassionate – just short stories and photographs. But over time it has very much morphed into a diary-type blog. I guess that’s what I love most about writing – sharing myself and my experiences with others.
I think everyone had a problem this year with so much rain! I had seasonal affected disorder in summer!
I’m not surprised, it sure was some summer!